Congratulations on your Failure!!!

Sooo… 12/24/2006 was the date of my salvation.  It has been an interesting road ever since. Revelation is almost constant.  So is attack.  Prayer is a must. Restraint is a challenge. Because life is a cluster of issues, dramas, battles, victories and atomic joy, we tend to spin around in uncontrolable movement. Which way is up? 

Here comes the inner relationship between the new self trying to push it’s way through and the old self trying to keep a foothold.  There are times when being a grown-up and turning the other cheek isn’t quite, yet in the new wiring.  Times when old habbits are not yet ready to let go.

So, when we let a little bit of bitterness, anger, resentment, not-so-dutiful actions slip…  It’s painful.  To a point… Then it’s painful, because there wasn’t enough regret. OR too much.  Thus, more spinning. Who can look up from all this thinking, and clammering for control?!

I think my thoughts, do the deeds, say the things that shouldn’t be said/felt/done. Or, I didn’t do/say/feel anything. Then it’s time for a self induced guilt trip.  Helpful?  Not exactly.  The spiral downward is unhealthy and NOT AT ALL INTEDED!!!

Failure at anything is not an option.  But it is a fact. Trying to control failure is futile. Today, I KNOW I am a failure!!!  This isn’t some bumper-sticker knowledge to carry around because I am supposed to.  This is a fact of life, and it is one of the most liberating revelations to date.  We have to get this.  Or we are going to suffer a lot of undue pain.

The issues I have with failure is, “what is God thinking about all of this? He is probably pacing the floor, shaking His head, wondering why He let me in.”  Here’s the first failure.  God isn’t pacing around giving out detention slips, wagging a finger.  He’s strategizing a new plan to get us back on track.

 

 

 

My life isn’t designed by what I think it is supposed to look like.  It never was. And it was never designed to be paved with gold at the get-go.  (Still, my pre-conceived notions of Jesus spirituality is ruling the show) That happens later.  Right now, my path is muddy, rocky, sticky.  But, it is smoothing out and it is MY path.  I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be.  Sometimes I slip an and scrape a knee.  Sometimes I get lost and have to backtrack.  Sometimes, there is quicksand.  All perfectly placed so I can FREAKIN FAIL!! Eventually old self will WANT to let go and be apart of the new. And the road?  Will it matter?

Love

La la la la la….!!!!

What is on the “most played” list on your I-pod? Has music ever saved your life? Can you imagine life without?  Is that even possible?  We have an internal rythmn, for-crying-out-loud, it couldn’t even be feezable!!!

For this chapter of “Love Sound”  (Catchy?  I just made it up), I ask the questions…  You just kind of answer ‘em in your head… K?  Cool.

Newest Tunes on the I-Pod? Tori put some Family Force Five in the mix.  LOVIN’ IT!

Retro active Tunes on the I-Pod? Christian added some Michael Jackson in there…  I forgot how much I loved listening to “Billie Jean”!!

Just about on yer nerves, but still- diggin- this -tune: I think Matthew is single handedly trying to bring back Herman’s Hermits….  Um, Ya.

Disney Star head trauma, but you learn to love it: Kennedy has got me groovin to Venessa Hudgens’ “Sneaker Night”

Quilty Pleasure:  Britney… It’s always been Britney

Grew out of it, now not so much: Madonna..  How could I have gone this long without her?

How are you loving your music today??????

Music can change a mood, a heart, a desire, a train-of-thought. Not to mention culture, language, social conscience and subconscience.  To name a few.  Music is fun, daring, catchy.  It’s a heartbeat, a vibration and now every song you can imagine fits in your hand.  (think I’m gonna send Apple a Christmas card this year!!)

So, tweek the playlist, tune in, press play, what ever…  Dance, meditate, sing-a-long. Be the music you want to hear in the world!

Inner Child

It’s fun to play twister…Hide-and-go-seek in the dark….Every town should have minimum requirement of 2 rollercoasters within the city limits.  Not to mention a petting zoo for every Starbucks.  I love fun!  Don’t you Luuuvvvvv fun? My inner child comes out in the strangest ways, like swingin on a swing-set, coloring, picking flowers, climbing trees.  How does your inner child come out?

Quite often, some people  get very frustrated at the working of others’ inner child, because they don’t let their own come out to play very often.  Other folks feel guilty about their um, youthful indulgences. It’s a crying shame we are not led to indulge more often.

Last weekend I managed some activities for a ladies retreat.  Inner childhood was the theme.  Creativity was a conduit.  We painted, made jewelry…  Well, we TRIED to make jewelry.  Didn’t really expect bracelet making to be so freakin hilarious, but that’s another story.  I also made  a bunch of grown women go body part hunting in order to revive Mr. Potato Head’s face.  Good Times.  All in the name of reviving something much more primal and essential. 

God, is the creator of everything.  He creates still.  He created us to be actively apart of creation as well.  So, wouldn’t you agree creative energy is natural?  Julia Cameron, author of a most challenging and awesome book called The Artist’s Way, explains; ” When we open ourselves to exploring our creativity, we open ourselves to God: good orderly direction.”

Here is where your inner child comes in.  Sometimes as adults we get a little over-zealous about growing up.  In a mad dash to “put away childish things,” we get mixed up in what is childish and what is of a child.  We pack it all up, expecting not to miss it.  I believe we kill our potential for healthy life right there.  And this doesn’t end with being an artist or having a hobby.  We need our inner child to flourish in everything.  Once we pack the pour kid up and stuff em in the attic, lock it up and throw away the key, we automatically begin taking ourselves WAY too seriously! And five very essensial things begin to fade. 

Children have iron-clad faith, limitless imagination, resiliance, knowlegde of pure joy, and unconditional love.  We were never ment to pack this stuff up with being petty, spoiled, niave, manipulative or bratty. 

It is a beautiful day, today.  The sun is shining, it’s warm, it’s friday. I challenge you to unlock the door, let the poor kid outside to see the light of day.  Do something fun, and enjoy every second of it.

Coming back to the Heart..

Last Wednesday at Revive was an amazing experience.  The amazing part was very suttle, audible, cool.  I love moments like these.  Unexpected awesomeness.

Ben has been doing a series on prayer.  The last week was gonna be all about prayin.  Something that is fast becoming my favorate part of this new faith. There was no way I was gonna miss an hour with candles, great music, awesome kids, and the presence of God.  Except, I really wasn’t expecting Him..  We hadn’t really talked since the whole “shoe revelation”, it was rainy and kind of dreary that week.  Didn’t think my heart would be in it enough to get on the radar.  Sillly Sarah.

At 5 of the 11 stations available, there were 2 highlights.  Really only need one if it sticks, right?  2 made the cut, and there are no runner-ups.

First question – “What was the most appealing station?” – The sin station. There is nothing to describe confessing!  He knows anyway, what are we gonna do, keep secrets from God?! As much as I would love to feel perfect, there is no such thing for anyone.  In (my) prayer life, letting all the junk go first clears the path to effectiveness, articulation, calm, realization and transmission.  I can hear Him clearer!

Fourth question – “Did God speak to you at any point during this time?  What did he say?” – He let me know, through His word (which is soo spooky and cool at the same time!) That it is time to focus on Jesus.  He has no doubt that we are bonded and will stay that way.  But, I need to take a step-back and be with the One who is responsible.  I opened up the Word, kind of at random, heading in John’s direction, during this prayer time.  He went straight to John 6:32-37.

³²Jesus said to them, “I tell you the truth, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. ³³For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”

 ³⁴“Sir,” they said, “from now on give us this bread.”

 ³⁵Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. ³⁶But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. ³⁷All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.

PRETTY COOL STUFF!

He is the intercessor. The reason God can talk straight. The fire that lights me up.

Sunday night, I tested.  There were so many thoughts, so many little worries, so many lists to check through. 

“Jesus.  Help me sleep.  Cover my mind with calm.  Let me not worry about things I can do nothing about right now.  I need to sleep. Please help.”  I was out like a light in less than five minutes.  Small test sure, and totally effective prayer.  He who was sent is waiting to talk to me too!

… and you.  and you!

No Shoes… No service

Shoes really are not my bag.  So, when a pastor allowed a dancer to waltz in and say “take off your shoes in worship….” I obliged all too willingly…  shoeless worship has been a very comfortable norm, ever since. And there is that  insubordination thing at work , due to the “dressy” flip-flops I sport whenever possible…. 

Then I got busted all in one day.

The boss finally hinted at MY choice of footwear at the office….. At a worship team meeting, it was pointed out that MY choice in footwear was not acceptable to lead in worship…  It wasn’t a direct attack, I knew it was coming…  Leaders need to set an example, and be united in their leadership, yadda-yadda!!!  Don’t get me wrong. I really enjoy the position, take it very seriously, and because of it, there have been a few great revelations in a very short period of time.. 

But…. I was getting a little hot about the shoe subject all the way accross the church, to the women’s room..  Annoyed really.  I was comfortable barefoot. My center of gravity was better barefoot. (David got to be naked, for crying out loud!!)  Barefoot was MY THING!                    (Don’t get ahead!)

At the beginning of women’s group, openning up the workbook, my eyes fell upon the words: “Exodus 3:5″. 

Let’s review:   Then He said, “Do not draw near this place.  Take your sandals off your feet, for the place where you stand is holy ground.” Ex 3:5

VINDICATION!!!

 Not so much.. Certainly wasn’t feeling vindicated or justified..  I walked around the back yard griping, whining even to God.  Absurd, I know.  funny now, hilarious even.  Imagine a grown woman throwing a mini tantrum over NOT wearing shoes! 

Anyhow, His voice finally seized me mid stride.  “You are still rebelling Sarah. You don’t want this for any other reason than that.  There is no point, there is no fight.You know what my next sentence is, right?”

“It’s not about me.” says the bratty adult in the back yard.

“What was that?”

“It is not about me!”

“I love you, I have given you something I know you will do well in, and have fun with.  Put on your shoes and help Me.”

He left a parting gift

 ⁵“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. ⁶But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Matt 6:5-6

….. Our “secret place” is OUR secret place. For me, it is comfortable, has a great center of gravity, there are no shoes….. and it is just us.

….So, what are you clinging to, that simply shouldn’t matter when you are faced with your Lord?  Dressing up too much, when you don’t do it any other time?  Not dressing up at all? Is your lesson about worship going to affect the other compartments of life?

One could only hope, right?

Michael Jackson

Whoa, what a week it has been…  Death seems to be rising up in my sphere of acknowledgement…  But Michael Jackson…. Seriously… 

 

Questioning of his character and moral judgement seems to be the only thing making him famous in the last ten years.  But, when I was a kid, “Thriller” was the first tape I could claim as my own.  I listened to it every night when I went to bed.  He was larger than life, way back when… He has been imprinted in my mind all of my life…

So now, I live in a world without him… Strange day… To mourn someone I had wanted to knock out, when he dangled one of his children from a balcony. Among other things….

Today I  embrace a time when he looked normal,  was a simple eccentric man who ownned chimps.   A  King of Pop. I tap my toes to “Beat It” , and pray a Good Bye…

What a weird day it has been..

Sulphur Springs Work Camp

Imagine  an upcoming adventure, sitting on a line… Expectation on one side, preconcieved notion on the other.  Than God shows up, and engulfs everything in and around you!

Everyone said, “Work camp is life changing.”  So, in normal, human fashion, I designed this experience in my head before getting  there…  Such a waste of time… I imagined a big bang God moment that would turn all switches in me to cool, and I would be speaking in tongues or something…  Ya, well that didn’t happen.

What happened was so… There are not enough adjectives to describe (even when putting  them all together), the adventure that was Sulphur Springs Work Camp!!

The collection

We scraped, primed, painted houses, mowed yards, sang, laughed…  There is nothing like being around so many kids so pumped about working… especially when they know full well God is with them, enjoying thier fun and their love for others.  At night we played volleyball with the fella’s, snacked, stayed up late… It was like a slumber party every night. 

There may not have been a huge God moment to alter my reality.. But, there were uncountable small moments that knocked the wind out of me.  Every day, every minute, had God all over it..

Worship was so Awesome… To be able to be ALL together to sing and dance and jump and enjoy the Lord was….  WOW! 

The second night, I took an inventory of where our children hung out to worship.  They were spread out.. I was able to have Kennedy with me, and she had found some little kid lovers in the front row.  Christian hung out in the front with one of the youth workers.  Matthew sat over to the right with a few other fellas, Tori hung with one of her roommates.  This overwhelming flood of gratitude….  Such a blessing to share this with them!

girls before showers

There were other breakthroughs and God moments.  They are really just for me… For now. Funny though, I am still recieving tiny revelations, even a week later. 

Things happened that will not soon be forgotten.  Shared moments, tiny random miracles, overcoming a couple of fears, major light-bulb moments that have been absorbed, and applied in small doses, so far…  The oppertunity to eat, sleep and serve with some pretty AWESOME people!

Thank you so much for letting us be a part of this, Lord!   Life Changing?  Ya, you betcha!!

What to Say

Last Friday, I watched a good friend bury a child.  It was the first time.  It was difficult.  There is so much we want to say to someone who has lost a loved one but, when the time comes, there is not a word that will console a broken heart.  Not then. 

I watched as a line of people came to these parents with “I’m sorry”, “It will be ok,”  “You are in my prayers”.

The only response these parents could give was, “Thank you”.  Not that any of those condolances are bad, or politically incorrect.  Most of the time, with all we want to do, a simple sentence of regard is all we can muster. 

During the service, all I could do was pray.  Pray for healing from guilt, pray for solace of any kind.  Staring at them so hard, hoping His love would penetrate into them, like cupid’s arrows, for some kind of instant relief from their pain…. We can hope can’t we.  Plus, I didn’t know what to say. .

I had never met the mother until now.  What a way to make introductions…. I was so happy to see the father.  It had been a couple of years, and our smiles were instant when we finally had the chance to talk.  We had always laughed and had such a good time…. What a way to have a reunion.  His strength was astounding.  All the things I wanted to say….I can’t  and DON’T want to imagine… Just thinking about thinking of losing a child… Is  too much

We know, for those who have ever lost someone, there is not a whole lot we hear when tragedy is fresh.  Not a word gets through, not from anyone.. In this case, like so many others, it showed.

Before it was my turn in line, I looked in the coffin of a 22 year old man.  I prayed.  I smiled and hugged his father.  I looked back at his mother, hugged her tight, and simply said, “I love you”.  Whether she heard it or not?  Who knows.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTIAN!!!

To our magnificent number three!

Nothing quite describes Christian’s unconditional love. Or, her free-sprited nature. You can’t put a finger on her sense of style.  She likes so many things, a negative phrase about anything is hard to be heard. 

She has her moments, when drama gets on her nerves, yet she is very good at not adding to it. 

Christian is a miniature, carbon of her daddy. She is hilarious, beautiful, bright, energetic, hyper, a good friend, and an amazing daughter to us.  The only problem she has, is what to do first in life.  She want’s to go everywhere and do everything!  I pray she has every oppertunity to do so.

Christian has given me the honor of being in this stage of her life…  Words can’t describe how much fun we have.  You have become mature, despite you unwillingness to grow up.  A perfect combination!  Your one-of-a-kind style is refreshing, and your constant smile is such a blessing.

Happy Birthday Christian!!!  I hope your day is beautiful, fun, fulfilling, and all about you.  We love you!!!

BLESSED, SO FREAKIN BLESSED

Two years.  Doesn’t seem so long.  Really isn’t when you get to it, but…. Two years has been a lot longer than how two years feels. 

What did I do, to deserve such a gift?  The question comes up so many times!

God never answers, I feel Him smiling at me though, kind of a half-cocked goofy, daddy grin.  “I’ll never tell!”

This weekend, we did a lot of talking.  Michael and I.  We laughed a lot. We reminisced, not about the wedding this time, but the honeymoon. We walked.  I caught myself staring at him, asking the same question.  Got the same answer. “I’ll never tell!”

I fall in love with God all over again when looking into my husbands eyes. Such a gift, such a blessing, before I even felt Him or wanted to know He was there. Michael doesn’t mind such an affair, after all, he interoduced us.  It is about the three of us though, isn’t it?  The love He has for us shows in the love He has given us to hold on this earth.  Our love and gratitude feels so small in comparrison.

Happy Anniversary Michael. We three have so much more to look forward to!

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